Motherless in Seattle

One cold evening in December in 1968, a woman named Sharon gave birth to me. She was young and vibrant and wanted me more than anything in the world.

On November 16th, 2008, at age 65, she let go of this world while I held her hand telling her that we loved her and that she could go home whenever she was ready.

I miss her terribly.

Things weren't always easy between my mother and me. We had our share of arguments (my journal is a testament to the details). But she was my only mother and I was her only daughter. We shared a bond which our petty differences couldn't destroy. And now, without my mother, I feel raw and exposed, confused and floundering. What I wouldn't give for one more chance to forgive and forget with a hug.

Life goes on but memories have their way of flitting into my heart and mind. And every now and then, an unexpected memory or thought will bring me to my knees and fill my whole being with tears of sorrow.

Oh my children, I cry out for your loss. Grammy is no longer alive. She is no longer alive! As my 7-year-old told his younger siblings: "Grammy won't say, 'oh, is that dollar from the tooth fairy' when we loose a tooth." No, Grammy won't ever do that ever again. Never. To my three-year-old: will you even be able to remember your Grammy's warm breath against your golden-red hair?

Being motherless. To be motherless means to be put into a new category. One of daughters without mothers. As if everyone else who has lost a mother can understand you without speaking a word, can read your mind by seeing into your heart. So, this is what it is like to be on the other side. I often wondered what it would feel like to be motherless and now that I am here I find it is just as difficult as before, only different. The subtleties are all slightly warped so that viewing anything is slightly blurred.

Without a mother, it is hard to find purpose in life. What is the point? As I watched my mother's eyes close for the last time and her breathing slowly decline, I asked myself why. Why do we get out of bed each day and struggle to survive?

All I know is that when my time comes, I want a loved one beside me holding my hand telling me that it is ok to go home, that they are going to be ok without me, that my job here is done and that I can let go. I want them to tell me that what I did in my life wasn't a waste and that my love for them meant something, that it changed them for the better. That is all I really want in life. What more could I even hope for?

My dear, dear mother. I miss you, I love you, I will never forget you.

California Dreaming

I grew up in the foothills of Northern California and have always had mixed feelings about the place. It is a small town and I grew up in a small house on 2 acres surrounded by oaks, manzanita, deer and silence. It had a way of making me feel claustrophobic at times.

We lived three miles out of town on a dirt road, surrounded by hundreds of crickets who'd chirp all night long. (I only noticed when city folk would mention how loud they were). We could walk all night if we wanted to, just by the light of a full moon and we spent our summers plunging into the satisfying waters of the Yuba River.

Yet, I often found myself dreaming of the long, flat, wide, straight streets of cities - the seemingly straightforward, uncomplicated, matter-of-fact, predetermined benefits of man-made environments. In my hometown, trees and mountains which at times gave me a sense of protection and warmth, at other times made me feel trapped and isolated. The natural, unkempt surroundings of the forest both filled my heart with delight and caused me frustration.

I am here again in my childhood home with my husband and children. We are visiting my mother and brother who still live here. As with each visit, I sit in the same rooms and walk along the same paths as I did as a child. I notice that the trees have grown and that many things have changed.

Yet, what surprises me the most is not the way things are different from when I was a child. What surprises me is the way in which my own childhood memories are slowly being reshaped through the eyes of my own children. The way I remember my days as a child slowly begins to interweave itself with the daily romps and giggles of my children. It is as if I am seeing my world from a brand new vantage point.

Isn't that me sitting in the sandbox under the swaying oak trees letting sand flow through my outstretched palms? Am I not the one collecting moss and branches to create miniature worlds of my own making?

I sit on the back deck, breathe in the dry, familiar air and watch my children dart back and forth across the front yard. I find myself reliving my past through their laughter and overwhelming joy. Magically I slowly forget those things which aggravated me as a child and instead realize that I am savoring the bits which brought me satisfaction and happiness. I know there are downsides to growing up out here in the countryside, yet I easily push them aside as I witness the utter joy on my children's faces as they dedicate themselves to nothing but pure, unadulterated play from morning until night.

Our world seems so simple here. We step back just far enough to see things with a clarity that I fail to grasp when at home (where we rarely take the breaks we so desperately need to let our soul dangle). At home there is always a long list of "duties" which ultimately encapsulates me even more than the tall oaks and wide mountains ever did (and, ironically, are traps of my own making).

Despite the solid sidewalks and expansive streets of our city, it is out here in the wilds of Northern California that I find myself able to breathe again. It is here that I let down my guard just long enough to realize that I haven't been longing for wide city streets at all. In fact, I have been in awe of how high the trees have grown and how tall the mountains seem to have become ever since we drove down that dirt road of my childhood .

Seeds of Compassion: The Roving Reporter (or not)

Sorry for the delay in posting about the Dalai Lama. Talk about poor reporting etiquette!

It isn't that I didn't want to continue blogging about this tremendous event. It was simply the fact that when it comes down to it, I am only part roving reporter and mainly a mom of three kids, an employee for a software company and a wife to a busy parent. First things first.

However, I have to admit, I thoroughly enjoyed my few days of being the roving reporter: chasing the story as it unfolds, capturing photos which embody each event, taking copious notes, driving from event to event, packing my camera bag each night with only essentials (digital SLR, video camera, pad of paper and pen, press passes, two apples for moments of hunger, and numerous forms of identification) knowing that I'd have to be ready to act quickly: living the lean and mean life of a reporter.

Well, let's say, I enjoyed IMAGINING that I was the lean and mean roving reporter. The reality is I ended up promptly coming down with a cold (sore throat, cough, runny nose and head ache). I believe it was because rather than being the "mean and lean roving reporter," of my imagination, I am, in reality, the "stress-case, worried, anxious roving reporter." I'm sure in time I'd work out all of these stress-related reporter kinks but it didn't happen in the last week, that's for sure, and took its toll on my health.

Here are some roving reporter highlights:

I was annoyed to no end for having to pay $25 to park in the Qwest field parking garage on the 6th floor (the press entry was there) and for not having found alternative parking ahead of time. Other reporters were annoyed as well but just laughed and said, "Ah well, at least we can expense it." A clear difference between me the little freelance reporter (where expensing means adding it to her tax return somewhere) and those who work for someone else who takes care of all of the tax details.

I was constantly worried that I'd get stuck in traffic and miss something (anyone who lives in Seattle will know what I mean: traffic is either great or suddenly horrible stop-and-go for miles and miles).

"Did I remember my press passes?" I'd ask myself a few times each morning. Then I'd wonder, "Did I recharge the camera battery?" or "Where did I put my keys again?"

Being that I wanted to do it all (take great photos, write up the most important highlights of the event, video tape just the right bits, interview some insightful people, purchase just a few pieces of memorabilia) I was always a little frantic. I'm sure those around me started feeling freaked out just watching me!

For goodness sakes, I was there to see and listen to the Dalai Lama and here I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted - all from my own silly desire to do it all.

However, not all was lost on my frenetic silliness.

There were moments when I just put my photographic equipment away, breathed a sigh and let the moment fill me with awesome joy. Yes, there were moments when I even became teary-eyed and couldn't imagine being happier and more content. It wasn't always just from the words of the Dalai Lama. It was from looking around and seeing the faces of others caught up in the moment. It was from the rawness of the moment - people letting themselves feel vulnerable and open, teary-eyed and connected on a deep level.

Which brings me to my difficult relationship with groups: On the one hand I love being a part of them but on the other hand I feel confined and defensive. I often have a hard time letting go and losing myself when in a group of people. Someone is talking a few rows back, the speaker's voice grates on my nerves a bit, the sound system lacks in quality. I tend to prefer letting go and finding enlightenment alone on my own terms.

Yet on the other hand, I delight just being part of something large and all-consuming. When I looked around the stadium at each event I was captured by the fact that so many people were all sitting in one place at the same time hearing the same words and seeing the same images as me. For that it doesn't really matter whether someone is sitting right next to the Dalai Lama or on the other side of the stadium. The feel of the weight of the moment is powerful regardless.

Therefore, I am not quite sure what to say in terms of "reporting" on the Dalai Lama event. What can I say that can truly capture the event?

This is what I have taken from the series of events which I attended:

Find out what works for you. Compassion is not necessarily about any religion in particular, it isn't even about spirituality if viewing it through that lens turns you off. It is about finding what works for you so that you can go from understanding and conceptualizing compassion to acting on it to make the world a better place for our children (and ourselves). If that is through a religious context then that is wonderful, if it isn't, then that is wonderful too.

The Dalai Lama encourages a kind of contemplative, analytical meditation for creating compassion in our lives. It is an engaging task, not something in which we sit on the sidelines and watch. How we go about this analytical meditation is again based on our personality. Perhaps we need to set aside an hour each day for contemplation? Or maybe we can at least commit to turning off the radio in the car during our commute and spending that time on contemplation? Or maybe we should put on some soothing music for half and hour and spend that time contemplating our lives and how we can foster more compassion? The key is simply taking the time to focus on this rather than assuming it will just magically happen.

This kind of analytical contemplation is an interactive one. It may mean we need to start by looking at our lives and asking some hard questions (and then acting on changing things for the better). What is holding us up from finding true compassion for ourselves and others in our lives? Are there things in our lives which are straining our nerves and causing us to have a short fuse with others? What can we do to solve this?

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the Dalai Lama discusses two different kinds of compassion: the biased=limited one and the unbiased=unlimited one. We need to strive to imbue our lives with the unbiased=unlimited one. This kind of compassion is about being able to understand another person, country, custom, event even if we aren't in agreement. It isn't about condoning actions but about understanding where others are coming from via their perspective and moving toward them from that standpoint. This isn't easy without giving it some effort and concentration.

Action is key. We can think about compassion, feel compassionate and want to be compassionate with others but then we need to actually do something about it. This starts with ourselves, then our children and spouses, then our mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers, then out to other family and friends, communities, neighborhoods and as wide as possible. We make sure to spend alone time to reflect and recharge. We take the time to be truly present with our children and spouse. We join with our communities to renovate parks and collect donations for the poor. We volunteer at local food banks and volunteer at events. We find things which fit with our personalities (some people aren't as out-going so maybe they can volunteer behind the scenes rather out front with the public).

Compassion feeds the soul. The Dalai Lama reminds us that through such compassionate actions, we will be feeding our soul, our heart, our minds, our spirits. Whatever we want to call it, through compassionate acts we get in touch with our true selves and find that warmth inside. It is the most satisfying food we can feed ourselves. It is ironic in some ways but through true acts of compassion, we gain the greatest benefits! How very selfish in some delightful way.

Viewed historically, the primary concepts about which the Dalai Lama speaks are really nothing new. People have been discussing such things for hundreds and hundreds of years. However, having the Dalai Lama come to town (or other such spiritual leaders) is a kind of reminder for us all. A wake-up call even. His words remind me that as a country, I feel the United States has become very cynical. Getting in touch with the more raw and vulnerable bits of ourselves is seen as weakness, and weakness is not a good quality in the "home of the free." Praiseworthy are often qualities such as wealthy, cool, popular, busy, efficient, tireless, reliable. Sure, we don't necessarily admit this but these traits come up as praiseworthy in casual conversations all of the time. And our children watch and learn this from us. They learn that making a lot of money is something to strive toward, that being number one and at the top is what we should all strive toward, that having lots of friends is better than knowing only a few people.

To end, I apologize for this not being a traditional report about the Dalai Lama's visit to Seattle. I find that since each of his events are available via the Seeds of Compassion website, that my personal reflections inspired by his visit may also have some value here. I know that many of you are reading my blog and I appreciate your emails! They are full of wonderful insights, thoughts and reflections!

Finally, I leave you with a comment from a baggy-pants teenager after the Monday event. I listened as he and his buddies chatted on the way out:

"I couldn't understand a thing that guy said. But he was really cute, wasn't he? A really nice, funny guy."

I'm sure the Dalai Lama would have loved the reference to himself as "that guy" and that what was remembered was that he was cute, nice and funny.

Seeds of Compassion, Day 3: Bringing the Children Together

What a crowd today! What happens when thousands of school-age children come together in one stadium to see the Dalai Lama? You get an excitement and energy like none other!

Today the Key Arena in Seattle was filled with children bussed in from all around the Seattle area. It was hard to even get into the media entrance with so many chattering and excited children and teachers waiting in masses outside! I'm sure much of the fun for everyone there was getting out of the classroom on a Monday!

Inside the stadium was teeming with a buzzing of voices, laughter, shouting and noise. During the event, children were cheering from their seats, clapping after every presentation and deafened the stadium when the 7th grade international children's ambassador went onto the stage and spoke to the crowd. Perhaps this is what happens when you get a bunch of children together: fun! Is it as the Dalai Lama says: children are simply more honest about what is in their hearts.

What was most inspiring about having the Dalai Lama here in Seattle was the permission he gave us to be open, fragile, vulnerable and, yes, compassionate. I do believe we need to give ourselves permission to experience what it feels like to be compassionate - to allow our hearts to fill with love (rather than cynicism), to fill with joy (rather than fear), to fill with forgiveness (rather than competition). We have to make a conscious effort to push away everything which tells us that financial success and economic accomplishment the most important. It can be extremely hard to consider that those statements are actually off track - I feel the pull of it every day around me!

What happened to allowing ourselves to be human? Perhaps when we allow ourselves to be full human beings (wise, fragile, intelligent, insecure, alive) we will automatically remember what compassion is all about? I'm not sure but I sometimes believe that when I let down my guard and throw off all of the weights of society pushing me down that I am instantly able to be compassionate again (and in turn to be a better member of society). Sometimes I think it is so easy: just let go and let myself fall into the direction my soul is taking me.

I have a bunch of photos but haven't yet got around to sorting through them. I'm not sure how to present them: Should I do a photo blog or just add them back into the previous blogs.?I'll have to think about how to best go about it. Until then I'll leave everyone with the link to today's amazing event: www.seedsofcompassion.net/webcast/index.html (go to the Children & Youth Day event).

Kind thoughts to every one of you out there!

Seeds of Compassion, Day 2: The Scientific Basis for Compassion

Did you know that brain researchers can actually see a difference in brain activity when a person is feeling compassion? Did you know that children actually grow more when cared for by a loving caregiver? Do you know what the Dalai Lama's two different kinds of compassion are?

Today was a day to discuss the Scientific Basis for Compassion.

As many know, the Dalai Lama is very interested in the research of scientists. He doesn't feel that science is a threat to spirituality and religions. If anything, he sees how science can augment our beliefs gained from other areas in our life.

Today the Seeds of Compassion events started off at the University of Washington Bank of America Pavilion. I had to drive since I only had half an hour to get from the first event to the second. Aside from the guilt I felt about driving (and always do), I was out $11 for the parking - sheesh, no press parking!? But this was a small price to pay for the chance to attend this wonderful event.

I must say that the care given to the press is fabulous (either that or they want to make sure the press don't mill about randomly taking photographs where they shouldn't). After checking in (via the media entrance - so cool!), I was personally escorted to exactly where the press seats were located - a big block at the back of the floor seating. Not exactly close to where the Dalai Lama would be sitting but I wasn't about to complain.

Overall, though, my feeling about the life of a press person was a little less glamorous than last night. Unfortunately I saw many people jaded by the process (probably mainly the grunt workers who do all of the unglamorous work). I'm sure this is an oversimplification but many seemed completely undaunted by the fact that the Dalai Lama would be on stage soon. It could be that they simply weren't interested in this event or the Dalai Lama but it reminded me of how easy it is for us to become bored even with the extraordinary (let alone the ordinary).

I worry that if I had that kind of job day in and day out that I too would slowly forget how special even the ordinary moments of being part of the media could be. Not that we should feel arrogant or above others, but delighted in our great fortune! However, that having been said, the press were definitely there to report and that they did!

Today's first event was attended by Daniel Goleman (Moderator), Richard Davidson, Alicia Lieberman, Daniel J Siegel, Andrew Meltzoff and, of course, the Dalai Lama. Many of these names you will recognize from studies on the importance of social and emotional "intelligence."

The second event was attended by Mark Greenberg (Moderator), His Holiness the Dalai Lama, John Gottman, Mary Gordon, Roger Weissberg, Karen Gordon and Bob Marvin. Another great panel who focused on social and emotional interactions throughout the life span.

Both times when the Dalai Lama entered the room, everyone stood and applauded. He bowed many times and beamed his generous smile for all. It was an awesome moment!

For some reason I knew that the Dalai Lama had quite a sense of humor but for the life of me I can't remember where I had seen him (YouTube??)! His way was so natural and comfortable: He sat cross-legged on his chair and listened to what each panelist had to say (often with the help of his translator) and nodded in understanding. When asked a question by one of the panelists, he gave his answer thought, sometimes turning to his translator for help with a given expression or word.

Many times during the day I was struck with the contrast between the easy-going, relaxed, humorous, even silly nature of the Dalai Lama and the mature, elegant, adult-ness of the panelists. I was again filled with the realization of our seeming need to exhaust ourselves with the need to be cool and mature and wanted (not that the panelists were acting in such ways).

There sat the Dalai Lama teaching us about how to attain a compassionate nature and it was almost too simple for us to grasp: Have we created such a complex world? Are we unable to find true compassion because of the constructs of our surroundings which won't allow this to happen? The Dalai Lama indicated this when he said that he firmly believes that we are in our current predicament because of our own man-made constructs (and he emphasizes the word "man" vs "women"). He suggests that we have created such a level of complexity that we now must live in this world based on what we have constructed. We are now dependent upon the world for our survival and happiness. He emphasized that it used to be that a community would depend upon itself and together they would have a vested interest for one another and each member in the community (as we do for a family). Nowadays we have created such a web of global complexity that we ultimately feel helpless.

The solution to our current situation, he urges, is to understand that every action and choice we make ultimately influences every other person on this world (even if we can't feel the direct connection and see the ultimate results as we do in a smaller community). We need to take responsibility for the complexities which we have constructed and learn to find compassion for our whole global community.

Will science help us realize the importance of compassion and empathy in not only our lives but in the world as a whole? Perhaps it will be science which can help bring us back to our intrinsic intuition of what is right and good? Will understanding the workings of compassion in our minds give us answers?

Aside from the general premise of the discussions today, here are some key points which I took away from the event (you can see the events yourself here and form your own conclusions: www.seedsofcompassion.net/webcast/index.html):

(1) Everyday when we wake up, let's look at our children and promise ourselves that we will always see them as valued, cherished, and precious to us - even when they are acting poorly - and find ways to continually treat them with the compassion which we would want in return. This is the first step in creating global compassion. Just because our children are small, it doesn't mean they aren't learning in leaps and bounds - preparation for their adult lives!

(2) Babies learn when they are excited, attentive and attuned with that which they are engaged. How a child feels affects how they will learn - this goes from infants all the way through to adults (but the younger we are creates patterns for later in life).

(3) We need to stop thinking that raising our children to be emotionally and socially enriched means tons of play-dates and activities. Examples within the family are the basis for how our children will learn what it means to be emotional and socially involved.

(4) Children learn more in their first 5 years of life than the rest of their lives put together (Meltzhoff). Babies brains are extremely plastic and their favorite plaything is us: their parents! They have an innate sense of curiosity and will learn everything they can on their own if we just let them go about it!

(5) We CAN change our brains when we get older. We aren't stuck forever in a specific pattern. But this may mean work on our part. The Dalai Lama recommends "reflective meditation." Not necessarily the kind of meditation where we sit and watch the thoughts of our mind. Instead we should practice a kind of meditation where we reflect on elements on which we need to focus.

(6) A large element of creating compassion in ourselves and others is simply responding to others as if to say, "I see you." "I hear what you are saying." "I acknowledge that you said something to me and I heard it (even if I don't agree)." The same is true for children. Show them that you are there for them. Pick up babies when they are crying! Each time you do this you are teaching them that you love them and that they can rely on you. Look your toddler in the eye (at eye-level) and tell him that you understand that he wants that toy and that you know how much it hurts that he can't have it. Give him an outlet for expressing the feelings he has inside when he wants something so much that it makes him cry.

(7) The pre-frontalcortex is where the ability to remain calm in a stressful situation resides. It is also where empathy resides and where we can regulate our emotions (Siegel). If we understand how the brain works in this way, then when we get frustrated or angry with our children, we can understand that it is also possible to calm ourselves down. It takes time and focus but this IS something we can work on to change in our brain patterns by creating more constructive patterns.

(8) We need to learn to override our desire for short-term gain for the long-term gain when it comes to our reactions and emotions (Dalai Lama). We lash out and when we do so it feels good for the short term but it has long-term consequences. The right path is to think about the long-term goal of happiness which comes from always striving for compassionate thinking.

(9) There are two kinds of compassion: (1) biased = limited and (2) unbiased = unlimited (Dalai Lama). The biased/limited is found biologically in most animals. Unbiased/unlimited comes with the help of intelligence. The understanding that we are all one in the same human species and we need one another to survive. Limited compassion can not extend to our enemy but unlimited can - primarily through training our mind with a concentrated effort (not a religious effort but through common sense and experience).

(10) When we are younger we are more able to forgive: we argue often but then quickly make up and forgive (Dalai Lama). We let things go, we don't hold on to them and let them fester. But as we get older, we hold onto bitter angers and hate - this is what we need to try and dissipate within ourselves so that compassion can take its place.

(11) Now that we all have such a high degree of knowledge about how we should treat one another, the key is turning all of this knowledge into action (Talaris Institute Founder).

(12) A University of Pittsburgh study with children in orphanages showed that children who do not have any bond with a caregiver tend to be aggressive and violent. However, when these same children were provided a bond with a continual, comforting care from a caregiver, the children actually start to grow more physically and their aggression decreased! This is the influence that a loving bond from parents can produce. Suffering emotionally can affect the whole body.

(13) The kind of interaction from both mother and father is important. Mothers tend to repeat an activity with a child over and over again, even if the child isn't very interested. Fathers tend to get bored with an activity if a child isn't interested and will either focus on something else or leave the child to seek out the father and engage him. In this way, a child learns different methods of interaction and social engagement. (Gottman)

(14) Schools need to do much, much more than they are doing in helping to provide more social and emotional education. School should NOT be just about academics. This can easily be added into everyday interactions: for example, a new child comes to school and the class discusses how to best make the child feel comfortable. And parents need to understand, support and appreciate this in the school system rather than just looking at academics! (Gordon / Weissberg)

(15) 67% of parents in the USA end up going through a very difficult time (some divorce) when their first child is born. It is as if they weren't prepared for the effort and changes involved with a new baby in their lives (Gottman). This surprised the Dalai Lama who said that what it indicates to him is the lack of responsibility that parents are taking when they start a new life. If they have no children and decide to go their separate ways, that is one thing. But if we decide to start a family, then it is our responsibility to do all that we can to make it work. The Dalai Lama feels this needs to come through via some kind of educational system (if it isn't being automatically learned in the home as a person grows up).

(16) Finally, the main point that the Dalai Lama wanted to emphasize at the end of the event was that compassion is not just wishful thinking, it is about ACTION. Compassion needs to move beyond our conceptualizations and into action - we need to start by treating our children with compassion and then go from there: our spouse, our mother and father, our neighbor, our grandparents, etc.

This was a wonderful day full of information! I will head off to bed now and see what awaits me tomorrow. Luckily we have some wonderful friends who will take care of our kids tomorrow during the event! What would we do without wonderful neighbors, families and friends?

Seeds of Compassion, Day 1: What It's All About

At tonight's press preview I was able to get a better understanding of what, exactly, this Seeds of Compassion event has as its goal.

Here is a quote straight from the press release: "Seeds of Compassion is an initiative to bring world attention to the importance of nurturing kindness and compassion beginning with children and extending to all who touch their lives." Thus, the focus is on the youngest member of our society and radiates out to the rest of us.

An emphasis of the press preview was that as parents we already know that what our children learn from us is what they will imitate and ultimately radiate (especially during the first 5 years of life). Thus, if we treat others with compassion, our children will learn this from us and radiate compassion (and in turn will instill a desire to radiate compassion in others)!

"Now is the time to launch a global compassion movement, a sustainable effort that will raise people's awareness of the importance of compassion," said Lama Tenzin Dhonden, co-founder of Seeds of Compassion. "Together we can create a more compassionate society for the children of the world."

The first vision of what ultimately became today's Seeds of Compassion event started in 2005 as a discussion between Venerable Tenzin Dhonden, the Personal Emissary of Peace for the Dalai Lama, and Dan Kranzler, president of the Kirlin Charitable Foundation. Their vision was to focus world attention on the following:
- Our communities need thoughtful, creative adults who are actively engaged citizens.
- Our global society needs people equipped to communicate across cultures and address differences through understanding and collaborative problem solving.
- These qualities must take root in early childhood.
- When children build from strong foundations emotionally, socially, and cognitively, they can develop into compassionate adults.

Those of you who visit bilingualfamily.org and read Multilingual Living Magazine already know and believe in the power of our children to change the world (especially the ability to communicate across cultures). You already know that our children truly ARE our future global citizens and ambassadors. However, the question is whether we are giving them the tools they need to go out into the world as empathetic adults and globally compassionate citizens of the world.

What are these tools? And how do we provide these tools to our children?

This is the whole focus of this 5-day event. There isn't necessarily one, specific answer which we all can follow. But the hope is that by getting a number of experts together, we may be able to discover some basic truths.

One place to start looking for answers is in the brains of children. This will be the topic for tomorrow's Seeds of Compassionate events. The following is from press material: "Recent research studies indicate that the ability to demonstrate compassion is closely tied to the brain and biology -- children demonstrate sympathy as young as three-and-a-half years of age. By the time a child turns five as much as 80% of the brain's architecture is already developed. The formation of these neuropathways is profoundly influenced by the quality of the child's early relationships."

Who can truly understand this need for global empathy and compassion more than families raising children in more than one language and culture. You live with the need to embrace multiple language, cultures, values, loyalties every day! Whether you are raising your children this way because you and your spouse come from different cultures or because you feel the strong need to instill in your children your own great love for global respect and understanding - either way, you get it! You understand this!

The next step is to ask ourselves what we DO to participate in the world as globally compassionate citizens. Our actions are what count in the end.

Seeds of Compassion, Day 1: Part of the Press

I'm in! I'm press credentialed for the Seeds of Compassion event! I was even able to talk them into letting me add another event on Monday.

This afternoon (with my kids safe in the hands of our kind neighbor) I headed downtown to pick up my press credentials and attended the press review session.

Let me just pause for a moment to say how amazing this was for me! There is something really fabulous about being able to sit there elbow to elbow with 30-40 media folks chattering away about current news stories that they are working on or concepts for future ones - as if they were just hanging out discussing last night's game. I distinctly recall one moment when I was sitting there surrounded by everyone and thought to myself, "This is just sooooo cool!"

At the back of the room were cameras lined up atop a raised area in the floor and in the front row were casually dressed photographers with professional cameras in hand. Throughout were people milling around, taking notes, filming and more. Clearly some were important in the media but I wasn't sure who they were. And the funniest was that as far as they knew, I was important as well. Note that dressing well in Seattle doesn't really mean anything - you need to be prepared for the shabbily-dressed person you are talking with to be a millionaire living next to Bill Gates or the mastermind behind the biggest TV station in town! Thus someone like me has the potential to be the Editor-in-Chief of some big publishing house. HAH!

At one point a door from the side of the room opened and in came the organizers of the event: Venerable Lama Tenzin Dhonden (Co-Founder, Seeds of Compassion), Daniel Kranzler (President, Kirlin Charitable Foundation and Co-Founder, Seeds of Compassion), Raj Manhas (Executive Director, Seeds of Compassion), William Bell (President and CEO of Casey Family Programs), John Vadino (Executive Producer, Seeds of Compassion), Andrew Meltzoff (Co-Director, University of Washington Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences) and Pamela Eakes (Communications Director of Seeds of Compassion).

Remember this wasn't a press conference, this was a media preview (getting the media ready for the 5-day event) so it wasn't as crazy as it would have been had it been a press conference.

As each speaker took their turn at the podium and introduced a segment of the Seeds of Compassion event, cameras went off like wild and photographers carefully made their way back and forth across the room. After the speakers were done, the press asked questions about the logistics of the event: they wanted to know if there definitely will be a press conference with the Dalai Lama (the answer was, "It is being planned."), what kind of live feed would be provided for those filming the event, whether there would be wifi for their laptops, how far away from the Dalai Lama the press would be for certain events (we'll be located at the 50 yard line for one event in the football stadium). Before I knew it, I found myself thinking of all of the things I should bring the next day, especially my little hand-held video camera for interviewing the public (I heard another press person say how they wanted to "get into the audience for some interviews"). Sure, they may have their big, fancy, professional cameras. I'll just work on the lower end of the budget range and put my stuff on biculturalfamily.org and YouTube! Nothing wrong with that!

Speaking of equipment, once the speakers were at the podium, I quickly realized the limitations of my Nikon D80 as well as the limitations of my photographic knowledge: The room was too dark for my camera (at least on the settings I had it) to capture the speakers yet the flash was not strong enough to illuminate them. However, the photographer next to me (and the majority of other photographers) had no trouble capturing fabulous photos without a flash. Grrr. I must speak with my husband tonight to get a quick rundown on how to adjust the settings. I did notice a few guys sizing me up based on my camera - I don't think I really made the press photographer grade (which I'm ok with).

The intention of the Seeds of Compassion event is truly inspirational... I will write about it in the next blog entry. I will say that it is all about families and kids and exactly what multicultural and multilingual families around the world are already striving for!

Seeds of Compassion, Day 1: Press Credentials

A few days ago I received an email from the Seeds of Compassion media coordinators that I had been approved for press credentials to attend some of the Seeds of Compassion events (an event lead by the Dalai Lama)! I am still reeling a bit from the news and definitely excited beyond description. I'm sure all of you seasoned reporters out there will take this with a grain of salt but for me this whole thing leaves me speechless! Me, press credentials? Yippeee!

I could go into the details of how I somehow missed out on the myriad of opportunities to get regular tickets and was left without any option of seeing the Dalai Lama... but it would take too long and let's stick to the point here: the Dalai Lama is in town and I have been granted press credentials to see him - wow, simply amazing!

Things will start this afternoon: picking up my press credentials downtown WITHOUT THE KIDS. Being that I am technically a stay-at-home mom on Thursdays and Fridays while my husband is at work, and being that the Seeds of Compassion media coordinators said that bringing the kids wouldn't be a good idea (gee, any other way I could show how inexperienced I am in these things) I started begging people to watch the kids last night at 9:39 pm.

In the end, our dear neighbor agreed to take care of my kids while I travel downtown to pick up my press credentials and participate in the press preview. I feel especially guilty since he is the only person in his whole family who won't get to attend any of the Dalai Lama events (he wasn't able to get a ticket). It seems almost unkind to ask him to watch the kids in such a situation. However, this is important! I am on a mission and must charge ahead (gosh, is that devoid of compassion or what!?)

As for the event itself, I HIGHLY doubt I will be able to ask any questions or even get very close to the Dalai Lama or others leading the events. Nevertheless, I ask myself, what WOULD I ask the Dalai Lama IF I could?

Would I come up with some profound question which would leave the other reporters nodding their heads in agreement and then asking themselves, "Who IS that inspirational press person over there?" "She is with WHICH publication? Multilingual Living Magazine? I will definitely have to learn more about her and that magazine! Maybe we can get her on board with our publication!" And they proceed to write down my name and the magazine's name and I'm feeling special and inspired and important and, dare I say, full of myself!

HAH! How I make myself laugh!

Ok, the reality is that if I could ask something I'd probably start with a few "Ummms" and "Errrs" and then fumble around with some kind of jumbled question which went nowhere and in the end the Dalai Lama would have to ask the person next to him "What EXACTLY was the question?" with a quizzical look on his face (yet a kind, compassionate smile). The other press people would look over at me (who was certainly beet red in the face with embarrassment) and ask themselves, "Who the heck let her in here!?" I'd look around, smile and then pretend that I was invisible (like my daughter when she wants to pretend like no one can see her, she wrinkles her forehead and just looks away in another direction until the attention on her has passed).

Actually, the first thought that comes to mind right now is to tell him is how much I have enjoyed that Christmas calendar which I purchased for myself and my family and a few of my friends (and which I have on my desk at work) with daily quotes from him. Gosh, is that pathetic or what!? Talk about extremely un-deep and un-profound!

Seriously, though, what would I ask him? What should I ask him?

What would YOU ask the Dalai Lama?
What thoughts would YOU share with him?
What would be on YOUR mind?

Tell me so that I can write them down (just in case)! You wouldn't want me turning beet red, now, would you?

The Dalai Lama is Coming to Town!

"True compassion is not just an emotional response,
but a firm commitment founded on reason."

The Dalai Lama

His Holiness the Dalai Lama is going to be in Seattle this month! He will be leading an event titled Seeds of Compassion: www.seedsofcompassion.org.

I find that the Dalai Lama's message is so important for families around the world raising children in more than one language and culture, primarily because we have such valuable knowledge, resources and experiences to contribute! Here are examples of two primary ones (from a myriad of others):

(1) Those of us who have come to feel a deep love for more than one language and culture understand the powerful force of global compassion. We cannot help but recognize that "the others" are also us; that cultural and linguistic divisions are artificial definitions created in our minds. The question is whether we continue to strive to maintain this appreciation for the differences in the world or slowly allow ourselves to resent anything that alters our status quo.

(2) Our children are truly the ambassadors of generations to come. What they learn from us today as we raise them will be their foundation for global compassion. Do we imbue our children with a love for the world? Do we honestly instill in them an appreciation for humanity no matter what a person's language, culture, skin color or standard of living is? We need to ask ourselves this question honestly and decide if we are helping to foster compassion in our children or further widening the divide. It isn't about what we say to them, it comes from our children witnessing how we treat others and the things we say about others.

Ultimately, compassion is about letting go of fears - fears of "the others" because they do things differently: they speak a different language, they act differently, they don't smile back when we smile, they dress strangely... even those who have done something mean to us. The moment we label others, we instantaneously create a divide between them and us. As many wise humans have said: the moment we label something as good, then something else receives a label as bad (vs not labeling something as either).

The fact that we create a label is not really the issue (creating a label is our natural human response to want to understand and define a person and situation). The issue is about how we ultimately react to the label we have created. Will we treat that person worse because they wear their hair differently? Will we gossip about them behind their back, saying how strange they are and how much we don't like them? Or will we recognize that yes, we have indeed created a label but that actually we aren't really sure of anything about that other person and even if we did, we should refrain from talking about them behind their back?

Is it possible to have compassion even for those who do things which we find offensive? Yes! It doesn't mean we condone what they do and it doesn't mean that we don't speak up and say that what they are doing is reprehensible to us. Having compassion for others is about understanding that they are doing the best they can in their current predicament and state of mind (yet we do so without feeling a sense of superiority and arrogance).

As the Dalai Lama says: we ALL want peace in our lives, we ALL want to be compassionate beings. Even those who are acting cruelly ultimately want to be compassionate and loving. For whatever reason, they are not able to find that way just yet. But if we can find compassion in our own hearts, then we can show them what it means to be compassionate no matter the circumstances and will be there when they reach out their hand in need. However, if we do so with a "better than thou" attitude, then we should actually be questioning our own motivations and our own relationship with compassion first before attempting to be an example for others.

I'm not sure whether I'll be able to see the Dalai Lama or not when he is in Seattle. If I can't, I will still revel in the joy that he will be nearby for 5 days.

Check out www.seedsofcompassion.org for more information about the Dalai Lama's time in Seattle.

The Compassionate Life

I was on vacation from the middle of August until the middle of September - ahhhh, vacation. The space and time to think again. To actually read a book and to breathe deep, deep breaths, those breaths which actually fill the bottoms of my lungs. The time to taste the subtle richness of a coffee, the smoothness of melt-in-your-mouth ice cream, laughter with family and friends, the scent of new landscapes, the sounds and sensations of different locations. Since we always take our vacation in big chunks of time (this was a "short" three-week vacation) we have the luxury of slowly getting used to this state of mind over the course of weeks.

It is almost always on vacation that I feel myself transforming back into what I like to call "myself." It is a slowing down, an embracing of the realities of where I happen to be standing at that moment and the ability to listen and understand it.

While on vacation I had decided to read two books which I had purchased in Seattle: "The Well-Adjusted Child-The Social Benefits of Homeschooling" by Rachel Gathercole and "Real Food-What to Eat and Why" by Nina Planck. I was NOT disappointed as I slowly made my way through each book. Both point toward something I had been longing for but was unable to grasp: getting back to basics. One book reminded me of the value of family and the bonds that form there each and every moment we are together. The other reminded me of the importance of food and the need to get back to the basic elements of it which means getting as far away from processed foods as possible. In my hectic life, I often forget the importance of home-cooked foods (be it cookies or dinner or a snack of carrots and hummus). I don't agree with everything that Nina writes in her book (I prefer to avoid meat more often than not) but all in all it was a good reminder to get back to foods that are real (we have even started purchasing raw milk from a local farmer and are drinking it as-is (no heating it first) and making some fabulous yogurt and kefir. I look forward to making some cheese!).

Then, a week into our vacation, while browsing through Bookshop Santa Cruz (yes, you guessed it, this book store is located in the heart of fabulous Santa Cruz, California - our vacation was visiting my family members who are spread out between northern and southern California) I spotted a book that Alice had reviewed for Multilingual Living Magazine titled, "Eat, Pray, Love-One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia" by Elizabeth Gilbert. On a whim I purchased it. In fact, my husband purchased it for me.

Husband: "You want to get that book?"
Me: "Well, I donno. Alice said it was good and here it is as a favorite pick by one of the book store's employees. It must be a good book."
Husband: "I think you should get it."
Me: "Yea, well, it is pretty expensive. I can just borrow it from the library when we get back."
Husband: "We're getting it for you." He takes it off the shelf and as he turned to go to the cash register, I beamed with an excited smile.

That night I started reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and my life started changing.

There is a part in the book where she spends time at an ashram in India. By the time I finished that part of the book, I was trembling. It is hard to explain why it impacted me as it did. Perhaps it was because by the time I got to that part of the book we were visiting my mother and brother in my childhood home (one which is filled with ambivalent memories thanks to the endless arguments of my parents as I was growing up) which always leaves me feeling a little exposed and raw.

Or perhaps because it resonated with the years I spent practicing Zen Buddhism, which included visits to Green Gulch and Tassajara Zen Centers. For anyone who has spent time at these two zen centers, they are the real deal: up before sunrise to meditate for hours, silent meals, working in the garden for much of the day, crashing onto your floor mat at the end of the day from sheer exhaustion. There ain't no way you can escape yourself at these places no matter how hard you try. I was 17 and 18 years old at the time and a wore a scarf on my head for over a year as a kind of "leave me the hell alone because I am trying to figure out who I am" gesture.

For whatever reason, there was a moment while reading the book that I suddenly experienced an overwhelming rush of compassion; compassion for myself, my family, for humanity as a whole - a level of compassion which I don't think I have experienced before. It was a total, complete and in some ways spiritual wash which came over me at that moment and I couldn't remember what it was like to NOT be completely compassionate in all ways, shapes and forms. It was a kind of embracing of the world and a love for everyone in it.

At that moment I felt it just taking over my every cell without any urging on my part. It reminded me of zen koans (which I read incessantly during my zen Buddhism phase of life): that kind of sudden realization which takes place in a different part of of our being than our mind - a whole body experience, if you will. Like the pure satisfaction we experience when musical notes resonate in perfect harmony. We know what we would like to hear (or what we don't like to hear) but it isn't until those notes resonate perfectly that we experience an absolute whole-body-and-mind fullness from the wash of the music.

I still have no idea what caused the perfect blend of words, thoughts, experiences, mistakes, hopes, dreams, tragedies in my life to cause this moment to happen but whatever it was, I was left feeling like I was viewing everything in life from a completely different vantage point than before. My struggles for different things and desires in life just melted away and I was left with a combination of humility, understanding, calmness, love, joy and gratitude.

I'm not sure how long this state of being will last. A few aggressive Seattle drivers, a nasty coworker, the hectic schedule of life could very easily knock me off my balance. But for now I am so honored to have this opportunity to experience this way of experiencing the world.

Let's put it this way: the other day when someone raced in front of me and cut me off in a big gas-guzzling SUV and then proceeded to flip me off (yes, even Seattle has those people), I found myself looking at that outstretched middle finger and feeling nothing but deep compassion for that person; compassion for what must be going on inside that person which would urge him to act that way. I actually understood exactly how caught up he must have been in his own world, where doing such things was his only way of making himself feel whole. Is that not something to feel compassionate about!?

There have been times recently when my husband expected me to react a certain way to something he or someone else said (based on how I usually react) and instead, when I didn't react the expected, pre-compassionate-me way, he gave me a big smile. Smiling back in return I said, "Remember, I told you! I have changed!"

Oh - and some fabulous music!

My favorite right now is Joe Purdy: www.joepurdy.com. You can listen to his songs on his website. My favorite albums of his are "Only 4 Seasons" (I love the song "Why You") and the other album "You Can Tell Georgia" (the song "Can't Get it Right Today" is great).

And another great band is Nickel Creek! My mother and brother introduced us to their music while we were visiting.

Monolingualism is a Curable Disease

Thank you Rubén Rumbaut for using this quote in an email correspondence: "Monolingualism is a curable disease."

When I first heard this quote a few years ago, I felt that the word disease was a little too strong. Disease sounds so deadly! Like an epidemic. But isn't that what monolingualism is in places like the United States? As we have also heard (and which Rumbaut reminded me): "America is a language graveyard."

Think about what that means! America is a place where languages go to die! They perish, bit by bit until they no longer exist. The sad part about that is that these languages are usurped by another language: English.

Being that America is such a land of immigration, this seems to strange to me. And, as Rumbaut has pointed out, immigration is what keeps languages alive and flourishing in this country. A generation or two later and languages will most likely have all but died out. Immigration across borders keeps the language influx thriving.

The saddest part about this whole thing is that America has so much potential. I LOVE America. I love the cowboy and cowgirl origins: the "can do" live style and powerful independence. The ability to feel that the stars can be reached if only we give enough heart to the effort. The hippy mentality of getting in touch with the earth and treating humanity with the respect it deserves. A multitude of elements blend and collide, mesh and bounce off one another. It is a beautiful sight to witness.

Just today, while shopping for clothes, I stood in the changing room and listened to two women discussing their clothing choices in German while in the stall next to them a woman spoke on her cell phone in Italian! And later I witness two Indian women contemplating their clothing in their native language. I passed an African woman pushing her child in a stroller, donning her native clothing and speaking to her child in her language. This is all in a matter of an hour and in the middle of a large Seattle downtown department store!

But this country seems to also attract those who wish to create an artificial consistency out of the flourishing cultural and linguistic mosaic that exists here. A kind of fear seems to pervade a certain corner of our citizenry and they lash out trying to create a circle of comfort around themselves by attacking others.

As Rumbaut has pointed out - our languages are in jeopardy. There is no threat to the English language and the American culture. If anything, our children will probably not even pass on our languages if they differ from the community language around us.

So, I say to the rest of the United States, let go of your worries and embrace our country as it is and enjoy the beauty of it all. We ARE multilingual. We ARE multicultural. That is simply the reality of our land. Within these borders are languages and cultures mixing and blending with unfathomable creativity and beauty. And in the end, we will all still be Americans. Never fear! We will still have the "can do" attitude, the hippy mentality, the intertwined depth of what it means to be an American. So before we destroy that which makes us human and whole and American, let's embrace it and savor it.

The Meaning of Bilingual

There is one thing I don't understand. Doesn't the term "bilingual" mean speaking two languages? "Bi" as in two or twice (which can be traced back through Latin and Ancient Greek roots) plus "lingua" meaning tongue, speech or language. You put the two together and you have someone who speaks two languages -- ANY two languages!

So, when did bilingual come to mean someone who doesn't speak the community language? When did our societies start to use the terms as a pejorative term? In the United States, it has often been used to mean "Spanish-speaker" (or whichever culture a person wishes to degrade). Which, in itself is completely contradictory... if someone lives in the United States and only speaks Spanish, then that person is monolingual, not bilingual.

Very strange how such terms come to mean something different over time.

Perhaps the word bilingual developed its convoluted meaning through its association with the word "education" as in "bilingual education"? Did people start to associate bilingual education to mean programs for kids who don't speak English and then slowly but surely the word bilingual came to mean people who don't speak English? Very ironic, really.

Very often someone will contact me at the Bilingual/Bicultural Family Network and ask why our website isn't in Spanish. The assumption is that the word Bilingual in our network's name means we support Spanish-speakers only. It took quite a few inquiries before I understood what the confusion was and then started realizing the associations that are made with the word bilingual.

I'm not saying that everyone associates the word bilingual with this incorrect definition. It is more a slow, eroding process whereby a word slowly changes its meaning purely through association -- through its association with finger pointing, scowled faces and accusations.

The same can be said for the term "multicultural" in the United States. For some reason it has come to mean "multiracial." A few months back a program came on TV discussing local schools and how they can meet the needs of their multicultural students. What the discussion was focused on was race. Not that we shouldn't be very much concerned with the role of race in our schools! But let's use terminology that really fits the description. Perhaps the word race was purposely avoided due to America's debilitating past with respect to race and humanity and was replaced with culture... something which is less precise, less clear, less assumed.

I always find it amazing that we can so easily start slipping into using words and associating meanings to words without even really knowing it, without being completely aware of what is happening. Bit by bit the words take on a new shape and we start using them in ways that mesh with the definitions that the rest of society has placed on them.

In the end words are around so that we can share meaning. Yes, who needs different languages to create linguistic confusion! Monolingual American English speakers, even when they are using simple words such as bilingual and multicultural, can cause great misunderstandings and confusions.

Library Junkie

I'm a full-on, complete, no-holds-barred library junkie! Just the smell of the place makes me swoon!

We have a shelf full of library books at home. Most are about homeschooling, a bunch are ones the kids picked out, some are learning to read books (in English, of course) and a few are novels that I've wanted to read. Then we have the whole row of DVDs: the entire first and second seasons of Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, countless kids educational DVDs (and a few oddities like Rubadubbers' "High Noon in the Bathroom" where animated bath toys have a show-down - very educational indeed), a few political DVDs which my husband picked up and finally French and Spanish movies with subtitles - my favorites!

I think we have over 80 items checked out right now and another 50 on hold.

Today I went into the library to pick up two more books and I felt a little giddy the whole time - like when I was a kid and my birthday or Christmas had arrived and there were gifts with my name on them.

We have so many libraries in Seattle that we can choose the books we want online, then ask that they be delivered to the library closest to us. Fabulous! Who needs Amazon when we can order free books from the library, have them delivered and just pick them up on the way to get the kids from daycare.

Hallelujah - I love the library!

Oh - and my kids do too. :-)

Home Depot with Kids

Last night we went to Home Depot. The kids were dressed in their pajamas before we left – preparation for the drive back when I was hoping they’d fall asleep.

We arrived just before closing, at around 8:45 pm, and rushed around chatting in German about which flowers would do best in full sunlight. We headed into the store to pay, the 2-year old in the shopping cart seat and the two boys standing on each side for the ride.

When we reached the check out area, there were only two options, neither of which were optimal (at least as far as I was concerned):

(1) Self Checkout (with which I never have any luck because I always do something wrong, like move the items slightly and the whole system seems to go berserk - I usually end up having to call the clerk and feel humiliated),
(2) a long line at the other end of the store where everyone had a ton of items, each of which were big, bulky and of varied shapes and sizes.

We opted for the Self Checkout.

At first it all went ok... I scanned each flower, it beeped, registered the price, I placed each flower in the little plastic bag. Yes! I was in synch with the system. The system and I were one.

After around flower three, things started going bad. The system blurted out something about having too many items on the scale. Arghhh. I looked down and younger son was sitting on the scale! In German I said, "Ok, Christoph, get off the scale." He jumped down with an impatient glare.

I took a quick, sideways glance to my right and saw the slowly forming line of waiting customers. I felt my face becoming a bit flushed. "Focus, stay focused!" I told myself silently.

I scanned the next few flowers, and then again, a complaint from the machine. "For god's sake, why did we get so many flowers?" I complain under my breath! I looked over at the scale again, and oldest son was leaning on the scale. Pointing to the scale, I said in German, "Patrick, look, don't go anywhere near this thing here, ok? Just stand over there."

Unfortunately, "over there" was next to the ingeniously placed "wall-o-candy," a child’s paradise indeed!

A new round of frustration began, a full-force chattering away in German. "Mama, can we have these M&M's? Just one! We'll share them." I looked over at the enormous bag of candy and to save some immediate whining, I said, "Um, we'll see, let me finish here first."

To my right, the line of customers was getting longer. In the expanse of faces, none gave the impression of taking pity on me. They looked tired, impatient and saw me and my brood as making their life less than satisfactory. And to top it off, they probably couldn’t understand a word we were saying since it was all in German.

I started to scan the next flower and suddenly the Self Checkout man was standing at my cart. "Oh no, I thought, he is going to tell me to get my act together and hurry it up!" But instead he pointed out that youngest daughter was trying to stand up in her seat in the shopping cart and that I should have known to strap her in with the belt provided on the cart. "Oh right, I said." I strap her in. Bad-mother-humiliation moment, one million and one.

I look to my left and see that the boys are happily discussing in detail which candy they are going to get. Uh oh.

A few more flowers scanned, wonderful! But I notice that the little shopping bag is full. What should I do? Should I move the bag to the side and open a new one, or will the machine go crazy? Am I allowed to put the next flowers anywhere or will the machine complain? Oh gosh, I'm not sure what to do. “Think quickly, think quickly,” I tell myself.

I feel wild and crazy, so I put the flowers on the scale but OUTSIDE the bag. Whew, the system registers that the flowers have been placed on the scale. Ok, we are on our way!

Just as I'm finishing, young daughter notices that the boys are at the "wall-o-candy" and that she is missing out on a potential candy purchase. She starts complaining - loudly. The boys notice her and simply start bringing her candy, asking in German which she'd like to have. "Do you want this candy, Marie?" Patrick shows her a Starburst. "Or do you want this one, Marie?" Christoph shows her some kind of pink bubble gum. “Just one, Marie. You have to decide on one,” they tell her.

I take no notice. I can’t think about the coming raised voices of indignation when I tell them that we aren’t going to get any candy. I need to stay focused. All I need to do is to slide my credit card through the machine and sign the tablet.

It seems to take forever but with a sigh of relief, the transaction is completed. The machine and I are no longer dependent upon one another. I pack the remaining flowers into bags, tell the kids that we are leaving and quickly start pushing the cart in the direction of the big EXIT sign. I don’t look at the frustrated line of customers; I don’t stop to discuss the “wall-o-candy” options with the kids. I just start walking and make sure the boys are following.

"But Mama, we wanted candy!" Wails older son.
"Yea, you promised!" Adds younger son.
"Candy, candy, candy!" Yells youngest daughter.
Me: "Let's discuss it in the car, kids."

A heated discussion ensues but soon all kids are in their car seats, the car is in motion and once on the highway, the lull of the movement puts youngest to sleep and the boys glare at the back of my head the whole way home, albeit in a semi state of exhaustion since it is way past their bedtime.

"Tomorrow we can plant the flowers in the pots at the front of the house!" I remind them. "Just think about how much fun that will be."

Silence.

Once we are a few miles from Home Depot, I laugh to myself at the spectacle we must have been: A tired mom, three pajama-dressed children chatting away in German, an obsessive focus on the "wall-o-candy," a cart full of flowers, kids sitting and leaning on the scale and a line of angry customers tapping their feet and sighing under their breath. Just one crazy German-speaking family. Yep, we certainly have a way of unwittingly causing an odd disruption.

Then it dawns on me… if I thought purchasing the flowers with three kids was a challenge, planting the flowers will be even more fun: three kids, a bag of potting soil and one trowel. Oh yea, the planting is going to be nothing but fun, fun, fun! At least we won’t have to do it with a bunch of impatient, English-speaking onlookers.

Peace Takes Courage

What is 16 year old home schooled Ava Lowery doing in Alabama these days? Ava is creating some of the most powerful videos against the Iraq war that I have seen in a while! She combines music, images and text and leaves us speechless. As the name of her site says, Peace Takes Courage! Let's hope that all of us can do our part in standing up for peace. As multilinguals and multiculturals, we know how absolutely important and essential this is!

Check out Ava's site here: www.peacetakescourage.com.

And before you go... make sure to listen to this song from musician and social/political activist Tom Morello. The words and tune in this song remind us of the urgency that is necessary to halt the rampages of inequality, racism, and war in our world!

Thinking Bloggers Meme

Trisha tagged me for the Thinking Bloggers Meme. She has a fabulous blog which I love visiting as much as possible. She is also a regular contributor to Multilingual Living Magazine with her touching essays about raising her bilingual children in Japan.

The directions I was given are these: 1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think, 2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme, 3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

As with Trisha, it wasn't easy for me to choose just 5 so if you are not included, that doesn't mean I don't love your blog! As you will see below... it is no surprise that most of the blogs I frequent have to do with bilingual and multilingual families! :-)

1. Momster - Irene's musings on life are fabulously touching, thoughtful, insightful and simply delightful. She never ceases to inspire me with her words and makes me want to live life just a little fuller.

2. Dinka - Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, but always a delight, Dinka's blog always gets me thinking! Her photos are also always an inspiration and fill out her entries so beautifully.

3. Between Pee and Kimchee - Jennifer is a writer through and through and her blog is a true testament to this. I delight in her literary entries and the way she is able to keep me captivated from beginning to end!

4. Mama(e) in Translation - Lilian is always full of insights and inspiration. She is a literature major from head to toe and you can tell. She doesn't let life go uncontemplated and delights us with her ability to look at it from yet a new perspective and to speak her mind!

5. Bilingual in the Boonies - Mami Hen's entries are always a pure delight. She has a witty edge to her entries that keep us readers laughing because we can relate completely!

There are so many more blogs that I love to frequent (even though I am bad and don't take the time to leave a comment!) and which delight me with inspiration, laughter and contemplation. Thank you all for your magical words!

I Adore You!

Dear blogging friends: I adore you! I can't say how much you have changed my life. Your words, they influence me for the better every day that I am alive. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your thoughts via your blogs, for taking the time to say what is on your mind, for sharing what is in your heart.

I have come to realize that Nena is right: "Dieses Leben geht jetzt einfach immer weiter, und dieses Leben geht ganz einfach geradeaus" ("this life just keeps going, this life just keeps going straight ahead" is that a good translation, my German-speaking friends?) and you have made it just that much easier for me to accept and to enjoy and to be myself because I don't feel so alone. You have given me the inspiration to keep plodding along, even during the times when it seemed so hard. You have done this through the power of words on a page... your words can change the world!

Thank you!

Identity Crisis

Before any of you think I have totally gone off the deep end, I just wanted you to know that I have simply been going through one of my identity crises. As you can see, poetry and music are really my only ways of communicating and participating in life during these times. These are not sorrowful, depressing times for me. These are days full of exploration and self examination. I truly honor and cherish these times (despite the fact that I spend the whole time apologizing to everyone for my "strange" mood). But I find I can not write in prose, try as I might. My sentences instead appear as long lines of poetic verse.

The thing is, when I "come back out" I am a different person in many ways. I feel I have traveled through my inner subconscious and revisited areas which have long been untouched and untapped. For example, my poem on "Americans are..." is long, long, long overdue and through a conversation with Alice about the way people talk about other cultures in sweeping generalizations (thank you Alice) it triggered my feelings inside which I had never really let myself feel. Letting myself experience my anger about things that have upset me and then actually writing about it through poetry is a release for me like no other!

The same with my feelings of inadequacy, guilt and insignificance. I yell them out to you, to the world, to myself and thereby become just a little more free. Is it not ironic that through sharing my embarrassing insecurities, I end up with a feeling of courage and self-assurance? I am no longer trying to be someone I am not, hiding my weaknesses in the hopes that no one will see.

As I recently told someone (who surprisingly became very dear to me during this time yet we have never met), the last time I went through a major identity crisis the BBFN newsletter (which ultimately turned into the Multilingual Living Magazine) was born. I am never sure what will come out of my inner turmoil (if anything) but I am now fully confident that it belong to my life and that these are precious times to be cherished and protected.

The downside from these times is that my friends and even new acquaintances (my poem titled Friendships With Gods) are the unfortunate victims of my pouring out of whatever is on my mind! And I end up feeling so inadequate, so small, when I compare myself to them. They appear as a gods before me and I a helpless mortal, always making mistakes and needing their guidance and support. Like in Greek myth, when a mortal going about his or her business happens to cross paths with another being. The mortal thinks the other is also fellow mortal but ultimately the latter ends up being a god or goddess, there for a specific purpose - the only give away is a slight scent in the air, a fluttering of wings, the glint of gold. Other times their godliness appears boldly and confrontational.

During this time, I was extremely lucky that I had people with which to reach out and pour out my heart and who didn't judge me. Some I know were with me each step of the way (even if they were a little worried) while others I hope I did not frighten off completely to be lost to me forever. I mean, if you haven't even met me and I share my life story and then go on and on from there, I will understand if you never want to communicate with me again! During these times I simply crave a deeper, more intellectual conversation and end up scaring most people away.

Someone I now hold close to my heart through all of this (although I know nothing more about him other than what he has shared via his soothing words on CD and via his books which I clasped tightly in my hand each day as I rode the bus to and from work) is the poet David Whyte. This man is a genius and has truly changed me completely, inside and out, simply through his words. He gave me the permission to let go, to fall, to dangle and breathe. His descriptions of soul-searching and poetry on his CDs are beyond comparison! I have been YEARNING for the sustenance of such words and fed off them daily, just sobbing from the release they brought me.

And my brother, Thomas, uploaded one of my favorite songs of his titled "The Whole World" just in time – today! I listened to it literally ALL DAY at work, over and over again, and it brought be through this final day of unrelenting soul-searching. It is a song about war and right now we need as many anti-war songs as we can muster! But his song makes you want to jump up and dance, it makes you believe that things will be ok, that our sorrows and frustrations right now really are temporary because we are going to solve this somehow. Wars, no matter where they are in the world, sap our energies no matter where we live. But for those of us in the US right now who are against everything about this war and administration, we need your compassion and your support. Our shame and frustration for what is going on here is a heavy burden to carry.

I think what has happened in the past year is that I have been racing along this path which keeps opening up before me, one step after another - totally magical! I have no idea where it is leading me much of the time but it beacons me and I know it is a good path - my heart is in the right place. But on March 2nd, after the most current issue of Multilingual Living Magazine was completed, I simply collapsed emotionally. Had it not been for the kind words of some very special people, I think I would have just thrown in the towel on the magazine completely. My husband listened to me sobbing at the dining room table days later saying, "I give up, I give up." I mean, after a year of extremely difficult and satisfying work by both Alice and I, the magazine is barely breaking even financially! And it isn't even in print! I can't do it all, Alice can't do it all and we aren't sure what the next steps are either. And, as life would have it, neither of us know anything about marketing, so we get by but funding is primarily through subscribers and a few supportive sponsors/advertisers (most we let advertise in exchange for services or support since they can't afford cash). Luckily, Alice is a strong soul and won't let me give it all up simply because I am having an identity crisis (thank you Alice, AGAIN). Nor will my family - thank you Mom for offering to help! Nor will many of you out there who took the time to offer support and encouragement and the reasons why I do this. I am in awe of the dedication and support all of you provide despite the fact that you receive absolutely NO pay. A volunteer's job must be the most difficult yet the purest form of giving around!

So, you few readers of my blog out there... the truth is I don't know WHAT to do but one thing I do know... I am not going to pretend that I do know and I am not going to put on a staunch, serious Editor-In-Chief face in the hopes that you will think that I do. And now I know that I don't have to. In fact, I know that I simply can't pretend I am someone that I am not (at least for not very long) without it slowly wearing away at my psyche. But on March 2nd, I didn't know I was doing this and I came face to face with the fact that I was scared to death that if I let down my guard, you would think less of me and that I would do the whole magazine, the whole BBFN group, a disservice. I thought that everything I had worked so hard to create would collapse. I must have believed that it was still standing precariously on the image that I had created in my mind a year ago. I had clearly failed to see that it is has really, truly moved on - it is now standing on a solid foundation of its own with dedicated contributors and subscribers who don't care if their Editor-In-Chief is having a identity crisis or not! You are the foundation upon which this all stands and you are steadfast.

The truth is, I am simply a crazy, neo-hippy who tries to live as honestly and true to humanity and the earth as possible. I am a kind person, I am not a greedy person, I am not competitive and I live my life through intuition and a true search for a higher consciousness. I adore the powers of humorous, intellectual wit, the kind which makes you delight in the fabulously unique constructs of images and use of words! The spoken and written word absolutely captivate me. You won't find me in a fancy suit (at least not willingly), I don't wear lipstick (or any makeup at all) and I am fiercely devoted to my husband and children. My plan was to become a Mediterranean Archaeologist out in the dirt each day, evenings with her head in some book or listening to the movements of the tide, but instead I ended up here and although I sometimes wonder what "here" really is, I wouldn't change it for the world. I do Multilingual Living Magazine because I have to do it. The time has come, the world is ripe and we must take this opportunity to help to continue making a place for multilingualism and multiculturalism in the consciousness of this world before it is too late and the opportunity wavers. We need to show the world how absolutely beautiful and magical and emotional multilingualism and multiculturalism are! I am not a graphic designer, I am not a website designer. I simply learn what I have to learn to make this magazine happen and Alice and I create this for us, for you, for everyone, for the world. I can not explain why I do this other than that.

And please know that when it comes to Multilingual Living Magazine, Alice and I are both very professional and expect professionalism on all levels from start to finish. This is one aspect of what often feels like a dual world but is really all about balance between the wild and crazy and the serious and stable. We take the process very seriously. We feel that we have a duty to ourselves, our contributors and, of course, our readers. We take great pride in this. This is why I am so frustrated when I make mistakes! You are paying for quality and we aim to deliver!

So, in the end, I am still here and whole and alive... in fact, I am certain that I am more alive than before. And from all of this, there is one thing I will try to never forget (and all of you writers out there, don't let yourselves forget this either): writers simply NEED to write, I need to write. It doesn't matter if no one is listening, if no one is reading, if no one is seeing what I (we) produce. No matter what, we need to keep creating. All of the glorious words and creative thoughts out there written and created by others cannot satisfy our own needs to write and speak our own words. We each have our ways of bringing forth great creativity and abundance from within ourselves. We must never, ever forget how important it is for us all to tap into that which feeds and waters our soul. Life is simply too short to let it pass unattended.

BE VIGILANT!