Tuesday, March 13, 2007

My Words

I'm tired of pretending
that what really matters
is the color of lipstick
(I don't even wear any)
or the big sale at Macy's,
just to make you like me.

I'm tired of only
the daily demands for
sustenance and repose,
because I worry about my health.

I'm tired of feeling guilty
for not accepting the claim
that power and money will bring true elation,
although its what we're told.

I'm tired of thinking I am the one who needs to change,
to become someone else than who I am,
to stop speaking my mind
and to shut off my thoughts,
because I bore you needlessly.

I'm tired of the idle chatter
which leaves my heart empty.

You write such elegant lines,
your words forming crusty edges
of well-worn experience.
You feed me,
you fill me whole,
so why am I still hungry?

Is it true that the writer will starve
if not fed
at least occasionally
on her own words?

Has it been so long?

But MY words sound so bland,
so worn,
so simple.
They walk so limply,
they laugh so quietly,
they sing so off-key.

My words frighten me,
they betray me,
they reveal my lack of confidence in myself.
They remind me of how tiny and insignificant I feel
when standing face to face with you.
When I try to speak
I am reminded of my pettiness
in the face of your knowledge and worldliness.

Where are you my neglected muse?
Have you forsaken me out of spite?
Has my love affair with the words of others
made you turn against me?
Help me find my strength again,
my inner strength.
Help me find my soul,
the one that has deep pockets of sustenance.
Help me throw away my feelings of inadequacy,
of self-doubt,
of guilt,
of loathing.

How to win you back,
just for a day
or an eternity?

Perhaps it is time to go barefoot again?
Save shoes for another day!


Trisha said...

The winter blahs? I think that the things that you write about here are true for every woman. I can truly say that I feel this way at least some of the time. It is so hard to figure out what people's true intentions are- whether they like you for who you are or for the car that you drive. My older sister always used to say that she only had one good friend but she would take that one good, true friend over ten fairweather ones. When I was younger I thought she was crazy, but I now know that she was right and it makes me hold those that I love- friends and family alike- just a little closer. Hope you can find comfort in the warmth of spring and the ability to go barefoot (be the real you) in the sunshine.

Corey said...

Thank you Trisha!! In fact, a few weeks after I wrote this and you commented, I DID go barefoot in the sand! The kids and I went to the beach on one gloriously warm Spring day and played in the sand all day. What a miracle such days are!